


Late Resolutions

by softforsummers (orphan_account)



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 03:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17215778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/softforsummers
Summary: When Charles was alive Erik hated how he wasted his time with fanciful dreams of an impossible peace between humans and mutants. He hated that Charles would rather drink Earl Grey in his mansion and lecture his students than teach them how to fight for their equality. Erik hated that Charles was always more willing to fight him than to fight the real threats.Now that Charles is dead Erik hates that he would give anything to have his greatest rival back again.





	Late Resolutions

Watching sunsets was a rare treat for Erik. There was never enough time in his overly busy life to just stop and enjoy nature’s beauty. All of his time was spent fighting the humans who sought to destroy his species; it was rare for Erik to find even a single moment of peace.

But beside Charles Erik was always able to find some semblance of peace. Even if it was for a fleeting moment, the few occasions where they weren’t at each other’s throats gave both of them a profound sense of being understood completely. Their differences were too much to keep them together, and so the only times Erik and Charles ever got to look each other in the eyes as equals was when they were saying goodbye.

It had been a long, long time since they last said goodbye. Erik might not be here to stay, but he could afford to spend an evening with an old friend. 

Charles’ beloved children were preparing for a long night of festivities. Staying up for the new year was for young people. Erik would much rather sit in silence, keeping Charles company far from the school. It was much more intimate to watch the sun set for the last time this year than to drink himself silly and listen to deafening music until the early morning. Besides, Erik was under no illusions that he was welcome at the school anymore.

He reflected on that as he sat on the hard ground. The ache in his knees and back wouldn’t leave for days, undoubtedly. Erik should have brought a chair, or a cushion, or better yet he could float a bit above the ground. What had begun as ominous posturing had turned into joint relief in his old age. Charles was the only one who knew that.

“What should my new year’s resolution be, old friend?” Erik mused out loud. His helmet sat beside him in the grass as he looked out at the horizon. Something sentimental stirred inside him, and he wished Charles could look inside his mind and see how much he missed him.

All the years he had spent fighting Charles, refusing to even listen to him, or see that their visions were more similar than different. If he could start over, would he do anything differently? Maybe. But Erik liked to believe that playing the villain is what made the world the place it was today. After all, it gave the X-Men a chance to prove their devotion to Charles’ pacifistic ideals and show the world how much they cared for humanity. Enough to fight against their own kind. No, Erik wouldn’t do anything differently. Even if the ache in his chest now was enough to make him wonder.

“I believe I’ve accomplished most of my goals, even if it wasn’t in the way I initially hoped. Even if there were losses along the way,” Erik said. His throat felt painfully tight, and he swallowed dryly. 

The scotch he had considered bringing was still sitting in Charles’ all but abandoned study; Erik couldn’t bring himself to destroy the sanctity of Charles’ favorite refuge. But Erik had wandered through it quietly, careful not to disturb the dust settled over everything. Their last chess game remained untouched, and Erik smiled a little when he saw how close Charles had been to winning.

The sun was almost completely down, and the sky was a beautiful mess of purple and red. It reminded Erik suddenly of how much Charles hated his maroon armor, and he laughed out loud. Charles had certainly enjoyed pushing Erik’s buttons, and Erik too had gone out of his way more than once to provoke Charles. In retrospect Erik may have gone too far more than once, as he was wont to do when he was younger. But even as a young man Charles was abnormally patient, and his forgiveness was always given freely to all. At the time Erik had taken it without hesitation, heedless of his own promises to Charles and taking advantage of every kindness. 

There were some things Erik would have done differently. 

All Erik ever did was hurt Charles and leave. It was, and still is, easier to run from the damage you cause than to stay and mend the damage. Apologizing has never been Erik’s strong suit, and there was only one time he could remember where he said the words and meant them.

_ ‘Charles, I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner. Please, please, you have to hold on! Your children will be here soon. They can help you, they can fix this.’ Erik sobbed, holding Charles limp body in his arms. It was already obvious the damage could not be undone. _

_ ‘Erik, my friend,’ Charles said, reaching up to brush a tear from Erik’s face. Whatever he was going to say Erik never got a chance to find out. The overwhelming sensation of tranquility consumed Erik, leaving him calm for hours after. It wasn’t until later that evening that Erik was able to feel the pain again, feel the loss of Charles as acutely as if he were still holding him. _

_ The X-Men arrived to find Erik dry eyed, impassively pointing them towards their mentor, who was cradled gently on a bed of metal. Erik flew away before they could question him, leaving them with the belief he had killed Charles for years to come. Correcting them would have been more painful than the truth.  _

“I think I know what my resolution will be,” Erik said, smiling a little. “In this new year, I promise I will try my very best to the man you thought I was.” 

Erik’s smile faded as he ran his hand over the smooth stone; he had the inscription memorized by now. 

_ Charles Francis Xavier ‘Professor X’ teacher, mentor, husband, father, brother, a guiding light to all _

Even now there was a simmering anger that for once was not directed outward. Erik should have done more, he should have been quicker, it was his fault that Charles wasn’t here with him now. The bitter part of Erik’s mind reminded him that Charles wouldn’t be in his arms even if he was here, that Charles was never really his because Erik refused to accept his own feelings. Maybe if Erik had behaved differently, if he hadn’t pushed Charles away, if he hadn’t used Charles as a punching bag simply because the man would always forgive him after… Maybe Charles would still be here, and even if he wasn’t with Erik he would be with the woman he loved and he would be with his son and his students and his X-Men. 

And Charles would be happy, because that was all Charles ever wanted to have in life: a family. Erik could never have given that to him, not really. Not when he valued his mission more than anyone in the world. Including Charles. Including himself. The mission was for the liberation of his species. But maybe if Erik had a do over... maybe there could have been room in his plans for Charles too.

The sky is dark now, and it’s finally beginning to snow. The freezing cold is affecting Erik even through his thick armor; what would Charles think of him sitting on the icy ground to keep him company? Charles would call him a fool, and perhaps mock his new cape just to irritate him. Maybe Charles would give him a new year’s kiss, or at least let Erik enjoy a glass of scotch with him in the study. 

Maybe Erik should have tried to be the man Charles thought he was when he still had a chance. Charles never saw him as peaceful, or gentle, or even safe. Charles saw him as dangerous, powerful, and fundamentally good. Charles believed that Erik’s vision could be merged with his own, that there were shades of grey and Erik was a complex man rather than an evil one. It’s funny that it took Charles dying for Erik to realize just how much the other man meant to him. 

When he was alive Erik should have tried harder. He should have returned Charles’ kindness now and again, at the very least to remind him that he did matter to Erik despite their differences. Despite the harsh words Erik hurled at him, or the indifference he masterfully feigned, or the selfish refusal to accept responsibility for the pain he caused; despite everything he did Erik cared in his own complicated way. Erik was problematic, and if anyone was able to understand that it was Charles. His students claimed he had no understanding of Erik, that he was blinded by their old friendship. Maybe he was. Or maybe Charles didn’t need telepathy to read Erik. Maybe he was able to see that Erik’s old wounds had never healed, and every kindness from Charles tore open the scabs. 

“I love you Charles.”

The slight whistle of the wind is the only response Erik receives. 

Erik rises stiffly, ignoring how much his body hurts, and puts his helmet back on. Charles’ gravestone is covered in a fine coat of snow, and Erik brushes it off absentmindedly. The flowers he placed on the ground are going to freeze over, but Erik knows Charles would appreciate the gesture nonetheless. There might have been other bouquets there first. Erik might have tossed them aside since his was more important. Charles would have disapproved.

But Charles isn’t here and all Erik can do is live with the damage he’s caused. If Charles was able to do the same since the day they met under the darkened waves Erik can too. Erik can do this, if only because he knows that’s what Charles would want him to do. 

The falling snow erases any sign he was ever there.


End file.
